Because of You
by Authoress-in-training
Summary: "That's my life." I shrugged, noticing Roxy's eyes follow me expectantly. "But trust me. Being a Winx, saving the world… it's so not all it's cracked up to be."


"_That's all they really want… Some fun… When the working day is done, yes girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just wanna have fun!"_

Everyone cheered politely as a very obviously drunk Stella teetered in her impractically high heels, leaning against the mike stand for support. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" She blew kisses to her 'adoring' fans, dropping down low for a bow that just about knocked her off the stage. Thankfully, Brandon leaped up and caught her right as she was about to take a nosedive, and she landed bridal-style in his arms instead.

"I think you've had enough for tonight, Stel," he said sternly, looking down at her. Musa and Layla didn't even bother trying to hide their laughter as Stella pouted.

"But Brandon–"

"No buts," he said, carrying her over and depositing her on the empty chair next to his, pushing her half-full glass across the table and away from her. "In fact, you should eat something. You guys, keep an eye on her."

As Brandon went to go grab Stella some food, Flora leaned over my shoulder and asked, "How you doing, sweetie? You look a little sad."

Blinking a couple times, I shook off the daydream-y feelings that had been occupying my brain ever since Stella's singing took a turn for the drunk-warbling. "Just tired, I guess," I replied, turning to face her. "Tonight sounded like a great idea at first, but now I just want to go home."

It was one of our last days left on Earth before we had to return to Alfea and our teaching jobs, and someone (probably Musa) had proposed a karaoke night. Eager to help out as always, Roxy had offered to close the Fruitti Music Bar for us, and after a little talk with Klaus (and, I suspected, a bit of magic, though I'd never tell), the space was ours for the night.

The evening had started out benign – fun, even, with the guys all banding together to do a hilarious and silly cover of LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It". And of course, Musa couldn't resist the chance to show off, belting out a heart-stopping rendition of "Chasing Pavements" by Adele. But then Stella decided it would be fun to break into the hidden stash of alcohol (because contrary to popular belief, the Fruitti Music Bar _did_ actually serve alcoholic beverages)… and it sort of went downhill from there.

I couldn't imagine Klaus being too happy about a bunch of young people drinking his liquor, even if most of us were almost-legal (perfectly legal in most of the magical dimension!), yet as Roxy slid into the open seat next to me, she didn't seem perturbed at all with how the evening had progressed. Sometimes I wondered if she was trying a little too hard to fit in with us; or if she could ever _really_ be one of us without having gone through everything we had.

I shook my head, wondering where _those_ thoughts had come from. _Must be the alcohol, _I decided; yes, despite my reservations about the whole idea, I'd had a couple drinks myself. The taste was tolerable at best, but it took the edge off, something I was finding myself needing more and more these days without the constant life-or-death danger of battle to distract me from my thoughts.

_Bad girl,_ I chided myself. _Don't go there._ Instead, I reached across the table for Stella's half-finished drink, as Musa turned around and asked, "So who's up next?"

I had just taken a gulp of the sweet concoction, savoring the familiar burn in my throat, when Roxy elbowed me from the side. "Bloom hasn't gone yet!"

Choking, I coughed and sputtered until the liquor went down as smoothly as could be. "Oh no," I said, shaking my head. "No way. There is no way I am going up there tonight. Not me. Nuh-uh." I crossed one leg over the other as if to prove my point that I was staying put, swallowing another mouthful of whatever sweet pink drink Stella liked.

"Come on, Bloom," Layla cajoled, making her eyes go all big and puppy-dog-like. "We've all done it. It's just for fun."

"Yeah," Stella chimed in, as Brandon set a grilled cheese sandwich down in front of her. She picked up one half and took a large, gooey bite before adding, "It's fun!"

Musa got a mischievous look in her navy eyes. "So you can sing lead in a band in front of dozens of people, but you won't karaoke in front of your best friends? What gives, B?"

"You've got such a good voice, Bloom," Roxy said softly to me. "Why don't you want to sing?"

I reached for Stella's abandoned glass, only to find that it was empty. A slight breeze blew in through the open window, cold against my suddenly heated skin. The sounds of the others each taking their turn at convincing me to go up all started to blend together into a low, steady hum, like white noise in the background. I closed my eyes, the familiar colors of the Fruitti Music Bar morphing into a dark room and a pair of gold eyes.

_You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen._

"Alright!" I declared abruptly, eyes snapping open and legs unfolding in one fluid motion. "I'll sing."

There was a round of cheers as I got to my feet, subtly clutching the table for support as I wobbled slightly in my wedge-heeled sandals; apparently, I'd had more to drink than I'd realized. The alcohol was probably more than partly to blame for my sudden change of mind, surging through my veins and making everything just the slightest bit off-balance, like at any moment I might slip out of my own body.

But in that moment, all I needed was some kind of distraction, because obviously, drinking wasn't working. And singing seemed as good as anything.

It was only when I actually made it onto the improvised stage that I realized I didn't have a song in mind. _Crap…_

"Hey, what'd I miss?" I heard Sky say, strolling in the back door as he tucked his phone in his back pocket. "Sorry that took so long; you know how my parents get sometimes."

"Bloom's singing!" Stella exclaimed gleefully, devouring the last of her sandwich.

"She is?" He raised an eyebrow, sitting down in the empty seat next to Brandon. "Well isn't this a surprise – and a nice treat." Smiling encouragingly up at me, he asked, "What are you singing, love?"

I tensed, gaze flitting around the room as if searching for inspiration. Then my eyes fell on the keyboard in the back corner, and all those years of piano lessons Vanessa had forced me to take came rushing back.

"It's a surprise," I said, snapping my fingers to levitate the keyboard (and a chair) over to me.

Musa seemed to sit up a little straighter. "I didn't know you played piano, Bloom."

"Well, we're about to see if I still can," I joked, sitting down.

I hadn't played in years, but when my fingers rested against the keys they seemed to instinctively know what to do, like riding a bike. Before I knew what I was doing, I was playing the opening notes of a song I remembered hearing on the radio all the time during the summer before I discovered what I really was._ "Mmm…"_

A song that, I remembered with a spine-chilling horror, hit way too close to home with my current situation.

Still, it seemed too late to turn back now without making a fool of myself. So instead I took a deep breath and kept going.

"_I will not make the same mistakes that you did. I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery."_ I closed my eyes, fingers moving by rote, as a tidal wave of memories started to crash over me. I had been determined to ignore him at first, had tried so hard not to let him get to me, but that had ultimately proved impossible. _"I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard. I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far…"_

The thing about lasts is that you almost never know when they're going to occur. If you did, you'd be sure to roll in them, savor them, commit them to memory because you knew that this was something you'd never get to have again. _"Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt." _But I remembered our first kiss, a virtual bundle of contradictions: passionate yet tender, heat and softness, sweet and slightly bitter with my guilt of cheating on Sky. "_Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me. Because of you, I am afraid."_ An utterly irresistable combination that hooked me after one fix – and ultimately sealed my fate.

"_I lose my way, and it's not too long before you point it out."_ Slowly, what had started off with me telling myself repeatedly that this was just a phase turned into a relationship that felt more real than the years I'd spent with Sky._ "I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes. I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life." _And it wasn't that I didn't struggle with it; I just couldn't find it in me to put up enough of a fight, not when he made me feel more alive than I'd ever imagined possible… _"My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with…_

"_Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt."_ But living a double life was bound to catch up with me at some point. _"Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me. Because of you, I am afraid._

And when it did, the fallout just about destroyed me.

"_I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep. I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me." _ Swallowing hard to force back the tears stinging at the corners of my eyes, I was forced to remember that horrible, awful day, when I made the choice I could never take back. He might've been the one that had to pay the price, but I was just as scarred from the consequences, and now I'd had to live with it every day since. _"You never thought of anyone else; you just saw your pain. And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing…" _ Sometimes, in my darkest moments, I thought that I deserved the pain that still haunted me almost a year later.

"_Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk." _What I'd done was unforgivable on multiple levels._ "Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt." _As if lying, cheating, and sleeping with the enemy weren't bad enough, I killed the man I loved. _"Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything. Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in."_ But the most damning thing was that if given the chance to rewind the clock and never go back to him after the first time, I didn't think I could. I wouldn't trade this pain if the price was those few months of uncomparable bliss.

"_Because of you, I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty. Because of you, I am… afraid."_ Does that make me a bad person?

Yes.

"_Because of you…"_

As I murmured the last "Ooh…" and played the last piano note, there was dead silence. Opening my eyes, I looked down to see everyone staring at me, their faces running the gauntlet of expressions from confused to concerned to pity.

The heat from their stares seemed to sear my skin, and before I knew what I was doing, I abruptly stood up, turned on my heel, and ran out the open door towards the beach. My heart slammed against my chest, legs pounding against the sand as I kept running, sucking in gulps of air to keep me going. I didn't know where I was going, only that I needed to get away.

Finally, though, my legs gave way, and I felt myself collapse onto the sand. My ankles still screaming in protest from their impromptu exercise in wedge heels, I rolled over onto my back and stared up at the sky; there was a full moon tonight, providing enough light to see by, along with the hundreds of twinkling stars.

_Not all of them are stars,_ I thought, remembering my astronomy lessons from freshman years. _Some of them are planets, far, far away from here, where magic's been existing for hundreds of years. A year ago, some of them were probably in shambles…_

I sighed, forcing my eyes shut in hopes of cutting off that train of thought. It seemed that no matter where I went or what I did, my past was inescapable. Would this still be haunting me when I was an old woman with gray hair and wrinkles? I shivered at the thought.

_You knew what you were getting into,_ an icy little voice whispered in the back of my mind. _Only you're responsible for the choices you made. And now you have to live with them._

I was almost grateful to sense another person approaching, happy for the voice to fade to nothing. The feeling like glitter in the air told me it was another fairy, but it wasn't until she dropped down onto the sand next to me that I saw it was Roxy.

To her credit, she didn't ask _Are you alright?_; I think we both knew I wasn't. Instead, she laid down onto her back next to me, looking up at the stars.

"When I was a little girl, my dad would take me out here a lot to look at the stars," she said after a while, breaking the somehow comfortable silence that had settled over us. "He'd show me the constellations, teach me which ones were the planets – Venus, Mars… Of course, back then I never would've imagined that there were other planets out there with people, people who had magic powers. Or that I was one of them." She gave a little laugh, pulling herself up into a sitting position. It almost sounded like she was trying to fill the silence, but I listened anyways, grateful for something to keep my mind occupied. "It's amazing how much your life can change in just one year. I don't even feel like the same girl I was before I met you guys."

I looked up at her violet-colored eyes, which were staring at me expectantly; she was obviously waiting for me to be the one to break the ice and tell her what was wrong. While I appreciated her not trying to push me, I wasn't sure I really wanted to talk about it. This was a secret I'd kept to myself throughout the very worst, not even telling my closest friends, and I hadn't known her for all that long.

But then I thought of the way I'd seen her look at a redhaired man who had been our enemy, and of the choices she'd made. Maybe she was the perfect person to talk to; maybe she could understand better than anyone else.

"You've always had magic, Roxy," I said slowly, pulling myself up and turning to face her, sitting cross-legged in the sand. "You just didn't know it. But you're the same person you've always been."

She shook her head. "The old Roxy was a normal schoolgirl with an absentee mom and way too many pets for her own good. And now I've fought evil wizards and restored magic to a planet that's been without for centuries, _and_ found out that my mom is a fairy queen. You do realize that's something out of a fantasy novel?"

"That's my life." I shrugged. "But trust me. Being a Winx, saving the world… it's _so_ not all it's cracked up to be." I laughed bitterly, noting the curiosity in her eyes, then took a deep breath.

"Last year, I met someone." I saw her eyes widen despite her having probably already deduced as much from the song, and rushed to add, "It wasn't that I _intended_ to cheat on Sky. I know this is going to sound pathetic, but it sort of just… happened."

My eyes closed of their own volition, memories flooding my mind unbidden. If I was being honest with myself, I would have to admit that I'd probably known how he felt about me for a while. But if he hadn't kissed me that night, I might've gone on indefinitely pretending I didn't see how his eyes always lingered on my exposed skin longer than necessary, how he never sent truly fatal attacks my way, how something about him seemed to soften whenever I ended up alone with him.

"It wasn't exactly easy for us to be together, because we were kind of… on opposite sides." _Understatement of the century,_ I thought to myself, not quite sure why I didn't go into greater detail. Stella had once spent an afternoon telling Roxy about all our exploits while at Alfea – the pink-haired girl seemed to get a kick out of them, probably equating our lives with her favored fantasy novels – so if I was more specific, she'd probably pick it up. But even a year after the fact, saying his name out loud still felt like a knife stab to the chest, so I tried to avoid it as much as possible.

"I fought it at first, the attraction. But he was persistent – _so_ persistent – and eventually I grew tired of trying to fight something that felt so right in the moment, even if I knew it was wrong." A small smile spread across my lips as I remembered the week or so after that first fateful kiss, when he'd make a habit of randomly popping in on me whenever I found myself outside of campus (of course, the protection bubble kept him out of Alfea). Sometimes, I wondered if I ended up yielding purely from the exhaustion of ducking him.

I opened my eyes to see Roxy staring at me, her face open and blank. "And none of your friends ever found out?"

The question made me tense, but her tone wasn't accusatory, just curious. I realized in that moment that her slight suck-up tendencies actually worked in my favor here, because she wasn't about to do anything that might make me think less of her. "No, we were really good about hiding it," I answered, hating the way it sounded to say that, how the most defining thing about our relationship would always be that I had cheated on Sky with him. (That, or the fact that I had literally slept with the enemy.)

"Even after I stopped fighting, I would still have fits of conscience, where I'd wonder what in the realms I was doing – lying, keeping this secret, hurting poor Sky. But…" I sighed. "I don't know how to explain it. When I was in his arms, nothing else seemed to matter. I'd never felt anything like it; how he could set my skin on fire and my heart racing wildly with just the lightest touch." Goosebumps materialized along my arms at the thought. "We just had this crazy connection, that somehow bridged all the other obstacles in our way."

Roxy's mouth was open slightly, and I thought I detected a touch of… was that _jealousy_? Yeah, that's what it looked like. I had to remind myself that she was only fifteen or sixteen, probably had little to no experience with guys; of course she would be impressed by this._ And it was pretty amazing_, I thought to myself with a smile.

_Too bad it had to end._

"But… you and Sky… I never would've had any _clue_ about all of this from the way you two act. And didn't he ask you to marry him?" For a moment there the old Roxy, awestruck and babbling, was back, and I winced.

"He gave me a ring, but if you've noticed, I never wear it. And since he hasn't brought it up, I'm not sure if it was a real engagement ring, or just more like a promise ring." The night air was cold against my skin, almost liquid; I sucked in a steadying breath. "I do still love Sky. I'm just not… _in_ love with him anymore."

There was a moment of silence after I said the words, as if I feared that a bolt of lightning would suddenly appear out of the sky and strike me down for daring to admit that out loud. But when nothing happened, the tightness in my chest started to uncoil.

I'd kept all of this inside for so long, convinced that it was my burden to bear alone, and yet now that I was letting it out, all I could feel was relief. It was unbelievably cathartic, telling her all of this, even if she wouldn't fully understand it all._ Or maybe because of that._

Roxy nodded. "So then what happened? What are you not telling me? Because I assume that if everything had been smooth sailing with you two, you wouldn't still be pretending with Sky."

I stared out towards the rippling dark ocean, suddenly struck with the urge to run out into the water, dive down to the bottom and just not come up for air. (It was far from the first time I'd had similar thoughts.) "I killed him."

When I finally managed to look back at Roxy, she was obviously trying very hard to keep her facial expression neutral. I could almost see the gears in her mind working overtime as she processed this new information, probably fitting everything alongside Stella's stories to piece together what I'd purposefully left vague.

Finally, I took pity on her. "He asked me to." Her lips tightened, eyes flickering with emotions I couldn't even begin to name, but she said nothing, letting me speak. "He knew it would come to that in the end, and he knew that I wouldn't have the strength to make the choice on my own. And of course, he was right. I didn't even really do it; he sort of killed himself." I shut my eyes tightly, wishing I could shut my mind from the images of that horrible day. "But it was for me. He was willing to die for me, so that I could continue living the life I had. He loved me so much that he was willing to put me above everything else, even his own life, _and I let him._" Hot tears stung at the corners of my closed eyelids, and I squeezed my eyes tighter, hoping to force them back. "How… how do I get past that? The guilt feels like it's going to eat me alive, and it's been over a year since it even happened! I just… I just…"

The tears started to fall, anything resembling coherent speech dissolving into heaving sobs and gasping breaths as I instinctively leaned onto Roxy's shoulder. I felt her tense briefly, startled, before her arms came around to my back, fingers gently combing through my hair.

"…Shh, sweetie," she soothed, sounding a bit unsure of herself. After a moment, she said softly, "I… never would've imagined that you were dealing with all this. You always seemed so levelheaded, so on top of things, so… perfect. When I found out I was a fairy, I remember thinking _I want to be just like Bloom_."

I managed to laugh through the tears, chest shuddering as I inhaled a ragged breath. "Perfect? Please." Sitting up straighter and bringing a hand up to wipe my face, I added, "This is the real me. About as far from perfect as you can get, and the last person anyone would want to be like."

"I still think you're amazing." My lips pursed, and she rushed to continue, "I know I never would've been able to deal with something like that; I'd have had a nervous breakdown way before I could've gotten to this point. And I know that I don't know the whole story, but from what I understand, the fact that you did what was right for the most people instead of following your own heart… That sounds like the most selfless thing I've ever heard."

"Don't go making a martyr out of me, Roxy," I said, perhaps a little more forcefully than necessary. "If I could go back and do it again, I sure as hell wouldn't choose to be where I am now." My voice grew soft as I added, "When you've had the kind of experiences we have, it's easy to get caught up in that feeling; like it's up to you to sacrifice everything for the 'greater good'. But being a fairy doesn't mean you have to put the universe ahead of yourself." The last part was little more than a whisper. "Sometimes it's better to follow your heart."

I brought my knees up to my chest, tucking myself into a little ball. It seemed like forever before Roxy finally said, "I should probably go make sure the Fruitti Music Bar is still in one piece. Do you… want some time to yourself?"

Nodding, I turned to face her again. She was already on her feet, and for the first time it really hit me how _young_ she was. I knew the age difference between us wasn't more than three or four years, but in that moment, it suddenly felt like an eternity.

Or maybe it was just that I felt older than my years, with the scope of everything I'd experienced.

"Thank you," I said in a rush, as she turned to leave. "For listening. It was… it was really good to get that all off my chest."

She gave a small smile in return. "I can imagine." There was a second in which I thought she might say something else, but then she closed her mouth and started walking back up the beach, towards the bright lights of the restaurant.

Alone again, I turned myself towards the ocean, that endless expanse of darkness. Acting out of instinct, I slipped off my shoes and padded down to the low tide line, letting the small waves crash over my feet, sinking my toes into the wet sand. "Why?" I whispered into the night. "Why did you have to do it? Why couldn't we just find another way?" My throat tightened. "I miss you so much it _physically hurts_. I'm freaking broken here, trying to pretend that everything's normal, that I can live without my heart. Because that's what you did when you left me; you took my heart." I was practically screaming at this point, my throat still raw from all the crying I'd done earlier. I yanked my hands roughly through my hair, as if I could exorcise the demons inside my head. "So why did you do it? _Why did you leave me_?"

My voice was barely a whisper as I croaked out, "Why, Baltor?"

But of course, there was no answer.

* * *

**AN: Okay, first of all let me go on record with saying that I sort of have no idea where this pile of angst came from. I've been working through some personal issues lately, and the other night I was washing dishes while listening to an old Kelly Clarkson CD (side note: karaoking to Kelly Clarkson is seriously cathartic if you're dealing with some not so great stuff) when this idea suddenly popped into my head. And then when I sat down to jot it down, it sort of wouldn't let me go until I'd written the whole damn thing in a couple days.**

******On a lighter note, ****I even managed to get in a little Roxy, so yay! She's my new _obsession du Winx._ (Also, if you squint, you can see a tiny bit of my other favorite Winx pairing, the following for which is woefully nonexistent but totally should be bigger.)**

**And yes, before anyone says anything, I know that I should be working on the new Meet Again chapter. :P Sorry, darlings. I'm totally swamped with school crap, and I've kinda hit a wall with regards to the plot (you know how sometimes you have those bits in a story that you really DON'T want to write, but are essential to your plot? Yeah, one of those is coming up soon), plus now I'm entering this contest, and close to finishing up some original stuff... It's still a priority, just not the top one anymore like it was this summer. But I promise to get off my butt and work on it within the next few weeks. That satisfy y'all?**

**Alright, time to say goodnight. As always, please don't forget to drop me a line or two and tell me what you thought. Pretty please? I'm really nervous as to whether this was worth the trouble of posting in the first place, considering the circumstances under which it was written and how quickly I finished it (ie: unpolished).**

**Love,**

**- Authoress**


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